Angel
by curiobi
Summary: Castiel is forced into a new situation against his will and Dean is not exactly helping matters!
1. Chapter One - It's rude to stare

Disclaimer: Kripkie owns everything, all hail the overlord!

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Chapter one - It's rude to stare

'Cas is that… is that you?' Sam and Dean stared at the woman who had just appeared in their motel room both their mouths open in shock, as they slowly lowered their weapons because there was no mistaking the tilt of the head or the confused expression.

Castiel stared down at the breasts straining his white shirt in confusion and Dean's eyes followed suit riveted to the large pair of breasts Castiel now seemed to own.

Sam cleared his throat, and nudged Dean as Castiel's trench coat which was now too big suddenly looked like it was wearing him and his pants were sliding down causing Sam's eyebrows to raise as he looked away.

Castiel's head rose in confusion and he opened his mouth 'I… I appeared to be changed' he said slowly his usual raspy voice transformed into a sexy smoky honey coated whisper, Sam was glaring at Dean and he realised he was staring, but he couldn't help himself, it was definitely Castiel just _he_ was now a _she_ for some reason.

His usual tousled short locks were now waist length and wavy but they still looked as sex rumpled as they usually did, and what little he could see of her figure under the too big clothes was the stuff his wildest sex dreams were made of, classic hourglass figure and her legs _wow._

Sam huffed out a breath at Dean as he tried again to pretend he wasn't staring and lifted the sheet of the motel bed and handed it to Castiel who looked confused

'Erm your clothes are falling off so…'

'Yes thank you' she husked at him

'Er, no you should wrap that around you'

Castiel looked down at the sheet in confusion then wavered on her feet

'Ah hell' Dean barked racing to Castiel's side and catching her before she hit the floor 'Sam don't just stand there!'

Sam leapt up and cleared the bed so Dean could lay Cas on it, he had just finished all of that when Cas sat bolt upright locking eyes with him 'Dean why are we on a bed together?' she husked

'I was laying you down, no I mean, damit Cas you fainted and your pants fell off so, -look forget that, Cas what the hell happened to you?'

'I have no idea Dean, I was flying over here when I was struck by a sudden pain and then I was like this, I have no idea who has done this to me or why'

Sam's phone rang 'hi Bobby what? where? no, I don't know I think we have it let me check the trunk, - Dean' Sam hissed loudly as Dean continued to state transfixed at Castiel 'keys'

Dean tossed Sam the keys to the impala without looking at him and Cas swung her frankly perfect creamy thighs over the edge of the bed to stand giving Dean a flash of her oversized boxers and curly dark hair from the gaping no longer needed fly hole

'What are _pubes_? And why do you think mine are probably soft and silky and that you want to bury your face-'

Sam exhaled in loud disapproval and Dean groaned 'Cas I'm begging you stop talking and really for once listen to me when I say this to you, stay out of my head'

Cas looked down at his new breasts 'you can see through this shirt?, you think these nipples are begging to be suc-'

'Cas!' Dean barked

'Dean!' Sam snapped '_cut it out_, don't you think this is weird enough as it is without you being a pig about it!'

'I'm not being a pig! Cas just needs to stop poking around in my head'

'I'm not _poking_ around Dean your _projecting_' Castiel snapped

'I'm _what?'_

Cas tilted his head to one side, 'I can't imagine myself doing anything like that Dean', Cas husked looking towards Dean's crotch while Dean shifted 'and quite frankly I have never understood men's fascination with having that part of their anatomy sucked it's not what it was designed for, the primary function of the penis is-'

'Cas!' Sam and Dean both yelled in unison and Dean noticed for the first time that Sam was making a point of not starting at Castiel's new breasts but he wasn't exactly succeeding, huh he had caught the smug little barstard out, secretly Sam was a horn dog he denied it he suppressed it, which was probably just as well considering that apart from jess he had the absolute _worst_ taste in women, but that still didn't change the fact that he secretly was a horn dog, who should have a sprained wrist by now, Dean shot him a dark look of triumph that screamed _caught you staring._

Sam's brows rose and he whipped around turning his back

'I'm going to check for something Bobby wants in the trunk, he mumbled hurriedly 'er Cas, scream if you need me'

'Why would I need your assistance? I am perfectly capable of handling anything that comes up myself'

Sam's went rigid and Dean groaned faintly, 'What?' Cas looked at Sam's sudden impersonation of a statue and then back at Dean locking eyes with him, 'oh I see I have unintentionally referenced a euphemism for masturbation'

'Cas please' Dean moaned

'Well suffice it to say Sam that is not what I mean I am simply stating that I am more than capable of taking care of myself'

Cas stared into Dean's eyes for a moment and made a small sound of frustration, 'but I changed the phrasing of my statement how can it still have the same unwanted connotation? Dean are you _sure_ you have this right?'

'Oh dear god'

'Dean!'

'Er yeah right, sorry, with the blasphemy Cas, look, we get it you can er handle things, you don't need Sam to play Costner to your Huston'

'I have no idea what you mean by that Dean'

Dean sighed 'I'm saying you don't need Sam being your freaking bodyguard'

'Well of course not, why would my body need guarding?'

'I can think of a few reasons' Dean muttered

'What reasons?'

'Don't answer that!' Sam barked

'Cas, I'm leaving now but I'm not going to be gone for long, Dean I'm begging you _do not make things worse while I'm gone_, -DEAN!' Sam barked in frustration as he realised Dean's eyes were again riveted to Castiel's new found breasts and he may as well be talking to himself, _great_ 'Cas er I'll be right back okay, just hang in there'

Castiel watched Sam thoughtfully as he left the room glaring warning daggers at Dean.

'Sam is acting... strangely, he has never been so overly concerned for either my welfare or the fact that I am alone with you before why does he care so much now?'

'Well you tell me Cas, can't you just go poking around in his head like you do to me'

Cas shook her head slowly and her riotous tumble of wild blue black curls tumbled around her face and shoulders… tumbled over her breast… teased at her waist…

'Sam is actually far harder for me to read, do you recall me telling him that you and I share a more profound bound? well this is part of what I meant- Dean are you listening to me?'

'Er yeah Cas, sure'

Castiel's striking blue eyes narrowed _'You are not_, you are thinking about this new hair and how you would like to bury you're face in it and… I don't understand, exactly what purpose would your penis serve with my hair wrapped around it? while you-'

'Cas! If you say penis one more time'

'But you are the one that keeps thinking-'

'I mean it Cas _Cut it _out' Dean made a wild sweeping arc with his hand 'this is hard enough as it is and… wait! wait, _that's not what I meant_'

'What isn't?... oh I see, Castiel stared downwards at Dean's crotch, you have become physically aroused, but why are you blaming you're current tumescence on me?'

'Alright you know what I'm done' Dean slammed his way out of the motel room and stopped short when he saw Sam's expression as he watched him phone in hand 'hold on a minute Bobby', Sam stopped rooting around in the trunk to stare at him, his mouth set in a thin line of disapproval, the beginnings of _epic_ bitch face starting to emerge, _well screw that! b_efore Sam could get out the inevitable _what the hell have you done now?_, Dean decided he didn't need all the bitch face being directed at him when he hadn't even done anything wrong, raked his hand through his hair and went back into the room to find Cas standing exactly as he left her. He would never admit it out loud even on pain of death, but even male Cas had occasionally looked kind of, well for want of a better word _cute_ when he was thoroughly confused, and on new female Cas that look was just plain frigging adorable... _damn her._

She parted her full gorgeous fucking unbelievably sexy lips to say something as she locked eyes with him 'not a word Cas, he barked breaking the stare before things got even more awkward _'NOT A WORD'_.

Dean grabbed his flask out of his inside pocket taking a long sip of the precious whiskey inside when the motel door suddenly hit him in the back at full force 'Sam what the hell!' he sputtered bemoaning the loss of the good whiskey that shot out past his lips against his will as Sam barged in 'are you being chased?!'

'No I just… well you looked insane when you came out of the room I was just-'

'What? worried I was going to snap _and molest an Angel of the freaking lord_? So you thought you what you would just break the door down and rescue poor Cas from my evil clutches is that it, _what the hell is wrong with you?_'

'What's wrong with me?! you haven't been able to take your eyes of her since he- I mean _she_ came in here like this and since she said out loud what you've been thinking, I just didn't want to come in here and find you smited to death for trying to feel her up that's all'

'I'm not an animal you know Sam I can control myself'

'Yeah _sure you can_'

Sam's smug knowing expression pissed Dean off, 'you know what _screw you Sam_, you made me spit up my damn whiskey and this is the super good stuff I snagged from Bobby's secret stash, that he uses when he has to bribe Rufus'

'Yeah well I don't think whiskey is the answer here Dean'

'_Whiskey is **always** the answer Sam'_

'**_Not at eight o clock in the morning Dean_**'

'Cas' Dean barked 'would you _please_ stop just frigging standing there staring at me like some kind of hot little freaking statue'

'I am currently unsure of what else to do, I cannot contact any of my brothers although I am trying and my powers seem to be greatly diminished I cannot even manifest garments that fit this vessel. Cas looked down almost mournfully 'it would appear that Jimmy's clothing no longer fits.'

Dean's face broke into a grin 'yeah I can see that'

'_Dean_'

'_Shut up Sam_'

'This is all very…' Cas looked so uncertain so forlorn and helpless that it triggered Dean's protective instincts and he was walking up to him, damit_-_ **_her_** before he even realised 'just relax Cas' Dean soothed looking down at the bewildered looking female, and suddenly noticing just how _tiny_ she was compared to him now 'were gonna figure this out I promise we'll get you back to normal, -well normal for you that is- in no time okay'

'Dean I am perfectly calm, you however are not your heart rate is elevated and-'

'Well you pop in out of nowhere and you're a woman all of a sudden and-'

'I am still _me_ Dean, only my form has changed'

'Yeah right… okay, erm well we have to get you something to wear Cas, I mean Jimmy's clothes are way too big for you now, _damn your short_'

'I am not, my vessel is a perfectly acceptable height for a human'

'Er, Cas, have you looked in a mirror?'

Castiel was using his exasperated monotone but with his new husky feminine voice, it just sounded sexy 'of course not Dean I just arrived like this'

'Well maybe you should'

Castiel stepped out of the trousers pooled around her feet and the two big shoes and socks her tiny feet padding silently on the worn motel carpet as she walked over to the mirror, she let the sheet drop and removed the trench coat which was sliding off her shoulders and studied her reflection her head tilting as she couldn't seem to take in what she was looking at, Jimmy's shirt hung past her hands and came down mid thigh.

'Wow' Dean shouted as she suddenly removed it, she wasn't wearing a bra obviously and Jimmy's boxers were sliding down her feminine hips, her hair was long enough to cover her breast if she draped it over them, which she didn't, _and man they were perfect_ Dean thought _just_, wow, _whoever did this, **good job**, I mean yeah probably have to track threaten and or gank them in the end but still **seriously** **good job**, they're large and round and firm and perky and oh fuck er think of something else think of something else, Sam giving me bitch face, ganking a revenant, er… Bobby trying to give me the talk when I turned 13, er, damn she smells good, why does she smell so good she can't be wearing perfume, okay just calm down, deep breaths, oh damn that's not helping she smells so fucking good, er… okay er, just think of er… shit, does she know what I'm thinking?_

'Yes' Cas supplied

'Fuck, _damn it'_

'Yes what?' Sam asked confused

'Dean was wondering if I knew what he was thinking, the answer is yes'

'Do I want to know what he was thinking?'

'No!' Dean barked, not caring one bit for Sam's long suffering tone of voice 'it was nothing, just thinking about finding whoever did this to Cas and putting their nuts in a vice that's all'

Cas looked at him and their eyes locked for a second and Dean felt the pull of those eyes down to his frigging toes and was relieved when Cas went back to looking in the mirror.

Dean couldn't help studying their reflections for a moment. Where Cas had only been a few inches shorter than him before she was now at least a foot shorter, her head of long bouncy tousled curls barley reached up to his chest. She had a sun kissed glow about her and he couldn't help but think they looked kind of well good together… there reflections that is, in the mirror looked good, not him and Cas together or anything, obviously.

Dean caught Sam's expression in the mirror, he had moved to stand next to Cas at some point and if Cas looked small compared to him… Dean shuffled Cas along a little closer to him and then slipped around behind her effectively elbowing Sam out of the frame... for Castiel's sake of course he _damit-_ SHE, had been through an ordeal, the last thing she needed was Sam's sasquatch frame towering over her and making her feel uncomfortable.

'Sam has always been considerably taller than Jimmy's vessel why should this bother me now?'

'Yeah Dean' Sam smirked 'why?'

'Just trying to give you some room to look at your new body that's all'

'Well you might want to try giving him… I mean her, some _actual_ _room_ then Dean'

'And you might want to try shutting the hell up Sam' Dean followed Sam's eye line when he just stood there staring pointedly, and found his own traitorous arm was draped around Castiel's naked shoulders, Dean snatched his arm back fast trying not to notice that it was tingling, _how the hell long had that been there_?

'Since you slid around behind me and pushed Sam out of the way'

'I didn't push him out of the-'

'Er yeah you did Dean, you practically threw me'

'Did not'

'Did too'

'You know what Sam, If you don't shut up there won't be any _practically_ about it'

Sam laughed as Dean glared at him

'I do not find this situation amusing Sam, these changes are-'

'Cas come on I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing at my idiot brother'

'Why?'

'Because he's acting like a kid with a crush on the baby sitter'

'I don't understand'

'He's er having trouble adjusting to your new form'

'Yes I can understand this, you should not laugh at him Sam it is a difficult adjustment for all of us'

'Yeah Sam, seriously, show a little _sensitivity_ will ya' Sam gave him _ultimate_ bitch face and Dean smirked at him

Sam's phone rang again 'yeah Bobby... no I looked for that one… yeah okay I'll check. -_just don't'_ Sam snapped at Dean as he headed back out of the motel.

Sam walked back into the room to find Dean looking like he was going to spontaneously combust as Cas was bent over picking up the shirt she had discarded

'Oh for the love of' Sam dragged the other sheet off the bed and was about to drape Castiel in it when he had a better idea, Cas was taking all day figuring out how to get the damn shirt back on and he knew dean was one move away from offering to 'help' he'd just as soon not have his idiot brother smote to death in front of him for trying to cop a feel so he quickly picked up Jimmy's trench coat 'here hold your arm out'

'Hey' Dean barked outraged, 'how come you're the one that gets to-'

'Because unlike you I'm actually trying to get her dressed'

'I would have if she asked for my help… I'm just saying, she's my angel' dean grouched

'Oh really, -hold your other arm out Cas- I was under the impression that I was Castiel's friend as well'

'Well of course you are Sam'

'Thanks Cas'

'You're welcome Sam'

'And besides Dean I never saw you so quick to lay claim to Cas being _your_ angel when she was a he'

'Shut up Sam'

'Okay now just button that up and it should be fine until we can get you something else' Sam said wrapping the trench coat around Cas and holding it closed at the front, Jimmy's boxers hit the floor and Dean groaned aloud as Sam coughed awkwardly and turned his back, Castiel stepped out of them like it was nothing and Dean took another long swig of whiskey

'Just a second Cas' Sam rifled about in the pile of jimmy's clothes and came up with Jimmy's belt 'put this belt around you er, don't have anything on under that thing, I'm kinda guessing you missed Burtons101 in angel class'

'There was no such class Sam'

Dean rolled his eyes

Sam cleared his throat, 'yeah well I think Dean's head might explode if we start teaching you when your naked under your trench coat and it's kinda sliding all over the place so this will just keep you er you know covered up and hopefully keep Dean's eyes from popping out of his head-'

'-hey' Dean barked

'-until we get you some clothes'

'I am an Angel Sam, I can get clothes for myself'

'Ah yeah' Dean interjected 'then how come in all the time we've known you we've never seen you in anything other than what that poor sap Jimmy was wearing when you talked him into letting you jump his bones'

'I did not _jump his bones _Dean he consented to let me in, you off all people should know how important it is that a vessel says yes to its Angel'

'Alright whatever I'm just saying you always rocked the holy tax accountant look, well except for the time you went nuts and married that chick who pulled you out of the river buck naked'

'She didn't pull me out Dean I was already out and-'

'Yeah I know you told me she decided to marry you after one look at your junk... well Jimmy's junk, technically'

'I don't recall telling you any such thing'

'Well you weren't exactly yourself at the time but trust me that was the gist of it'

'I remember being Emmanuelle Dean, I just don't recall telling you anything about getting married purely on the basis of being seen naked'

'Yeah Cas about that, Jimmy's married and then you married that chick so-'

'I do not want to talk about that Dean'

'But whatever happened to Emmanuelle's wife anyway? She was kinda hot, say you think now might be a good time to visit her, you know so you can kiss and make up' Dean's expression grew wistful 'I won't mind setting that meeting up at all if it helps you two with having the hot chick on chick action, I'm just saying Cas you should defiantly consider going to see her'

'What the hell is wrong with you Dean' Sam snapped 'seriously, how old are you mentally'

'Just because you don't appreciate the finer things in life Sam doesn't mean you should rag on other people who do'

'Are you _kidding_ me right now?'

Sam ignored Dean, 'So Cas how about it, you up for it now that you're all same sex marriage material'

Cas sighed 'Emmanuelle didn't really exist Dean, I never consented to marry that woman, how could I have when I had no idea who I was, however I believe she loved Emmanuelle and must be worried for him, I have avoided the situation until now because we have our hands full dealing with demons, Crowley _and_ leviathan, contacting her would only put her in further danger, besides, I can hardly go back to her like this now, how would I explain… I don't even know what's happening and it's all such a mess...'

Dean put his hands up at new Castiel's almost lip trembling look of distress, _okay this was new, _Dean's reaction took him by surprise as his protective instincts took over and he wasn't sure he liked just how quickly she could trigger them even as he lowered his voice and put his hand on her shoulder 'hey it's gonna be okay Cas we'll figure out what to do about her okay, for now let's get you dressed and try to find out who did this to you and why and let's just hope they can undo it'

'Thank you Dean'

'Now how about some clothes shopping where the men pay for everything huh? Cas, you're a chick now, don't tell me that idea isn't blowing up your skirt a little, huh, huh am I right?!'

Castiel looked confused

Sam groaned in mortification 'Dean just stop talking' he begged

'Stay out of this Sam, I'm cheering her up'

'I already told you Dean' what my vessel wears is not of import, as soon as I am able I will simply re-manifest Jimmy's clothing and adjust-'

'_What! _are you kidding me! you wanna dress that body up as a holy tax accountant, _now that's just wrong'_

'Don't listen to him Cas, I mean you _know_ what he's thinking right?'

'Sam I am warning you'

'You're warning me! you're the one angling for a one way ticket back to hell here, not me'

Castiel rubbed her forehead in confusion

'Dean _is_ thinking about purchasing clothing for me just like he said Sam, but who is young Skywalker?'

'What? _nothing!'_

'A strange voice in your hear is saying be mindful of your thoughts young Jedi, who is that?

Sam stared a dean incredulously for a moment and then burst out laughing while Dean glared at him

'Never mind that Cas and listen because it might not have mattered what the hell you were wearing when you were a nerdy little dude with wings, but it sure as hell matters now that you're a hot-

-Sam cleared his throat loudly-

'Now that you're a woman'

'I don't see what diff-'

-'There is a huge difference Cas, me and Sam have been around human woman our whole lives, we know what's what, so just trust us okay'

'Don't drag me into this you freak'

'_Shut up Sam_, Now Cas, since you can't just shazam yourself some new threads we have to buy you some' Castiel looked confused for a moment and Dean rolled his eyes, 'okay Jeanie to the mall it is, just don't pick out anything couture okay'

'I have no idea what that means'

'Good'

'And you do?!'

'Shut up Sam, Lisa and her sister liked to talk fashion okay'

Sam stared pointedly at Dean his eyebrows raised in glee

'What' Dean snapped defensively when Sam just kept staring at him, his eyes dancing with laughter, 'hot models wearing little bits of expensive nothing, _come on Sam_'

Sam shook his head laughing, 'whatever you say Dean'

Dean scowled at Sam and then turned his attention back to Castiel 'Say Cas do you know what Victoria's secret is?'

'I don't believe I know anyone by the name of Victoria, why, is her secret of some import?'

Dean's lips curved into a wide smile and he put his arm around Castiel's small shoulders as they walked towards the door 'you know I think I ought to help you pick out certain key items Cas, I mean you're probably not aware of this but there are all kinds of rules about what women can and can't wear'

'I am aware that it is not customary for a male to wear a dress if that is what you are referring to Dean I am not an imbecile'

'Hey first off some men wear dresses all the time, don't judge'

'I was not judg-'

'And second I was referring more to what goes _under_ the dress'

'You are referring to female undergarments?'

'Exactly!'

'_Dean_!' Sam snapped as they walked towards the impala

'What Sam? all I'm saying is that she's gonna need some help-'

'Yeah well not from you, pervert, that's what the sales assistant is for, the last thing we need is Castiel going underwear shopping with you and coming back with nothing but peek-a-boo bras and crotchless panties'

'Why Sammy I am shocked at you!'

'Yeah right' Sam snorted.


	2. Chapter 2 - A Prince Amoung Men

**Chapter T****wo**_** – A prince among men**_

Sam steered the impala into the mall parking lot, put Dean's 'baby' into park and shut of the engine as he glanced into the rear view mirror and shook his head mournfully, Dean was behaving worse than a preteen who had just discovered that girls had breasts and Sam cleared his throat for the umpteenth time while watching his idiot brother sitting in the back seat of his own car openly salivating over a Angel of the lord.

At first he had been downright shocked when Dean just tossed him the keys to the Impala and told him to drive them to the mall. He had been about to question it, -because hey, Dean _never_ just volunteered the keys without a ulterior motive or some sort of preceding drama- when it became immediately clear why Dean had elected unnecessarily to sit in the back seat with Cas. Before Sam even had time to unlock the driver side door or start the engine Dean was settled in the back seat with his arm around Cas, mumbling some outrageous bullshit about it being for her protection against his bad driving. To make matters worse Dean had spent the entire drive over looking at her legs and staring down the ever-widening gap in the front of the trench coat which showed off her ample cleavage.

Unfortunately Dean's outrageous behaviour didn't stop there and Sam had threatened to turn the car right around and dump Dean's ass back in the motel room if he couldn't behave when he whispered to Cas that she shouldn't hesitate to jump onto his lap for 'protection' in case of a head on collision. Then he had been forced to ask Dean if he really was angling to go to hell a second time when Cas rasped 'Dean, I do not appreciate being compared to Anna. She tried to kill your entire family and were it not for my efforts in sending you back in time, and ultimately Michael's judgement upon her she could well have been successful …Oh I see… well in that case Dean I do not care to be thought of as the second Angel you could fornicate with in the back of this automobile'

Sam had groaned aloud at this point and conceded that it had to be a testament to how enthralled Dean was with Castiel's new form that he didn't even seem to _acknowledge_ that ogling and having filthy thoughts about an Angel of the lord was the kind of thing that got you sent downstairs. _Again._

Sam glared at Dean, who under the guise of being a gentlemen and helping Cas out of the car was in fact getting a eyeful of her cleavage when she leaned forward. Naturally no one had ever taught Cas how to get out a car while naked under a coat without flashing and Dean's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and then started smouldering, sliding obscenely low, as Cas put one bare foot out of the car the other still inside, and before Dean managed to make matters even worse, Sam elbowed Dean out of the way just as Dean whistled under his breath and muttered 'you gotta love it when the carpet matches the drapes'.

Sam offered Cas his hand without looking, waited until she grasped it and helped her out of the car while Dean called him several abusive names behind his back, he was just closing the passenger door when Dean seized upon the opportunity to slide his around Castiel's shoulder steering her towards the mall while muttering nonsense about underwear being the first thing you put on so obviously being the first thing they were going to shop for.

Sam finished locking the car and then did the only thing he could as Dean muttered 'and remember the rule Cas you don't want anything white or cotton, think lace, and dark red, and hey leather isn't a bad way to go either-' and hit Dean in the back of the head.

Dean halted in his tracks and then turned around slowly 'Are you suicidal' he growled

'No but you clearly are, now take your hands off her you damn pervert and let's get this over with'

'First you hit me and now you're calling me a perv, _I'm gonna kick your ass Sammy'_

'Yeah right, you're gonna kick my ass' Sam smirked liberating Cas from his grip and giving her a gentle push in the direction of the mall.

Castiel's usual purposeful stride was completely at odds with her new curvy body, and she was clearly uncoordinated as they weaved their way through the seemingly endless parking lot. Castiel stumbled as a car pulled out aggressively in front of her horn blaring and abuse flying, and several other drivers appeared out of nowhere to claim the spot while Castiel stood their wild eyed and barefoot like a deer literally trapped in headlights. Dean's eyes narrowed as the driver opened the door as if to get out and move Cas physically 'don't even think about it pal' Dean growled slamming the man's door shut

'Who the hell do you think you are? the man yelled 'Why don't you keep that crazy chick out of the goddamned road if she's with you'

Dean's voice lowered another threatening octave 'now you listen to me, you stay in your piece of junk imported car and drive your ass outta hear without another word or so help me I will drag you out of your piece of crap car and back it up over your sorry ass do you understand?'

The man blanched white as Dean barked 'Cas come over here' and cas made her way over to him clumsily pitching forward

'Shows over people get moving' sam barked as Dean caught Cas and swept her up in his arms winking at her as the man drove away hurling abuse at them 'you're welcome Cas,' Dean smiled 'just call me the prince of Peugeot'

'What?'

'The car that asshole was driving it's an imported peu- and you know the game… you know what never mind, just call me a prince among men instead and once again _you're welcome Cas'_

'Since you are still the true vessel of Michael the most powerful Archangel of all I suppose you could technically be referred to as a prince among men as your bother the vessel of Lucifer has often been referred to as the boy prince'

'Oh thanks for that Dean' Sam exclaimed as he finished waving the last car on making sure it was safe for them to cross into the next parking bay, 'I've just been _dying_ to hear _that_ again'

'Well admittance is the first step' Dean smirked as Sam stood in the middle of the road to avoid another near accident waving Dean on as he strode past him with Cas in his arms. Dean was clearly enjoying holding Cas and the birds eye view it gave him of her breasts far too much, and Sam sighed as Dean smirked at him and strode towards the mall 'I might have been Lucifer's vessel once upon a time but you're the one whose currently knocking at hell's gate Dean' Sam muttered

'You still are Lucifer's true vessel, that cannot be changed until the day you die, even then depending on the circumstances-'

'Yeah, thanks Cas that's Great' Sam muttered

'You are being sarcastic'

'Yes Cas, I am being sarcastic, thank you for that starling observation'

'You are welcome Sam'

Dean rolled his eyes and then they once again fixated on Castiel's chest

'Why don't you look where you're going Dean' Sam snapped grabbing Dean's shoulder before he strode out into the next drive way 'before you walk your stupid ass into more oncoming traffic, why don't you just put Cas down and let her walk, I'm sure she just needs to get used to moving around in this new vessel then she's gonna be fine, I'm sure you can leer at her just as easily when she's upright Dean'

'What!, _I'm helping_, she could cut her foot or something and everyone's looking at her, think about it Sam, all we need is a stray gust of wind and woo hoo, were looking at a fifty car pileup I'm doing a public service here'

'Dean' Cas rasped and Dean tried to ignore how the way she rasped his name was freaking hot. Unfortunately the way Cas titled her head up and started staring at him told him she had just heard what he was thinking, and once again he felt sucked into the dynamic pull of her gaze almost tumbling over a patch of uneven ground as they cut across a patch of grass in the never-ending parking lot, thankfully Sam hadn't noticed. 'Sam is right, you can put me down now' I am perfectly capable of walking

'No can do sweetheart, besides I would say that you seem to be having trouble'

'Yeah she's not the only one having trouble walking around here' Sam smirked

'Over observant sasquatch' Dean muttured under his breath

'I just need to become accustomed to moving in this new vessel'

'Yeah well you can your sea legs after we buy you some shoes'

'Sea legs? I don't-'

'Never mind Cas; Say, how come I'm able to pick you up anyways? I mean that one time when I punched you in the face-'

-You did what?!

'What? he deserved it he was being a dick'

'What like your being right now you mean'

'How the hell am I being a dick? _I'm helping'_

'Yeah right! _you're just trying to cop a feel and you know it'_

'You know what, I feel sorry for you Sam, that your mind is so twisted at such a young age, that you see a beautiful thing like a stand up dude helping a lady out by carrying her and all you can see is-'

'Oh spare me the bullshit Dean, I've had all I can take'

'You know what Sam, I'm officially not talking to you'

'Ah you promise?' Sam deadpanned 'Don't toy with my emotions Dean'

'Yeah keep walking' Dean sneered 'and don't think I've let that hitting me in the back of the had thing go either, as soon as we help Cas, it is on'

'I'm quaking'

'You will be'

'Dean I really can manage to-'

'So how about it Cas?' Dean interrupted 'how come I can lift you up without breaking my back?'

Castiel sighed 'it is to do with advance metaphysical physics and the partial relativity equation in it's most relative form, my mass once condensed can be equal to or greater than-'

'Wow' Dean interrupted 'First time I had a chick this hot in my arms and felt like yawning from boredom, forget I asked Cas'

'But I want to hear Dean, I've always thought it was fascinating how they manage to keep their wings in some kind of alternate reality only manifesting them as shadow when-'

_'Oh my god,_ how are we related when you're so fluent in dorkaneese?'

-'Dean!'

-'Sorry Cas'

'dorka _what_?'

_'Nerdlinger' _

Sam flushed angrily 'just because I use my brain for something other than a database to store porn doesn't make me a-'

'You see, you just said database, you're a nerd Sammy case closed. Just be thankful some poor misguided chicks still think you're hot anyway and have done with it' Dean looked around for a second Goddamit Sam-'

-'Dean!'

-'Sorry Cas- do you think you parked the car far enough away from the mall? Are you even sure were heading in the right direction? this endless journey across the parking lot is starting to make me feel like I should be looking for the one ring or something'

'Now who's the dork?

'_Now that's real blasphemy_, er, sorry Cas. A lord of the rings reference doesn't make me a dork Sam'

'And what about the Star Trek references you make?'

'I could be referencing your personal copy of 'great nerds of the 21st century' and I would still be cooler than you Sam, now tell me were getting close already'

'What I don't have a nerds-' Sam sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as if Dean was giving him a headache, 'I had to park here okay it was the only space available, were about 2 minutes away just follow the signs'

'Yeah right, only space available my ass, you were so anxious to get me out of the car so you could start being smug and superior and judgemental about my perfectly acceptable friendship with Cas that you parked us 20 miles away from the entrance, admit it'

'What's the matter Dean, you getting tired their princess' Sam laughed as Dean glared at him 'Just be thankful I did get your dumb ass out of the back seat or you could well have got your fool self smited to death for tying to go two for two on nailing angels in the back seat before we ever got here'

'Sam I am not going to smite Dean for his… er mis-thinking'

'Not yet, but just you wait and see how bad it gets, he's like a dog with a bone'

'Or a boner' Dean smirked

'You see what I mean!'

'I remember this word, you used it when my previous vessel becoming tumescent without cause while I was watching that interesting documentary about the pizza man and his confusing expressions of emotions towards the babysitter'

Dean burst out laughing as Sam groaned aloud. 'Oh hey Cas that gets me thinking now that you're in a girl body we should totally watch porn together, it's only not okay when it's a room full of _dudes_ when it's chicks and dudes together it's perfectly normal, in fact it would be weird if you watched it alone frankly, that's just not how it's done, I mean it's a chick and a dude in the video right, stands to reason it's supposed to be watched the same why'

'I don't quite follow your reasoning Dean'

'That's because he doesn't have any Cas, he's just trying to-'

'Ignore him Cas, Sammy doesn't watch er, documentaries of expressions, he's too busy watching emo bullshit about puppies skipping across the landscape and how to wear the correct shade of pink no matter the season'

'Where the hell do you come up with this stuff Dean?!'

'You're browser history Sam'

'Jerk'

'Bitch, wow haven't said that in a while, anyway Cas, as I was saying, you don't know much people so we should probably-'

'I know _all_ people Dean'

'You know _of_ them Cas, that doesn't mean you're friends and this activity is one that only extra special friends get to share'

'Yeah' Sam snorted 'that doesn't sound creepy at all, why don't you offer her some candy while you're at it, you know really lure her into your gingerbread porn house'

Dean sighed 'Cas are you feeling any stronger yet, you know maybe up to zapping Sam to a emo poetry reading, or back to the motel so he can do his nails and condition his hair'

'I'm sorry Dean, my powers have not yet returned'

'Well you let me know the second they do okay, because I happen to know for a fact that Sam is just jonesing for a face pack and a pedicure, and to gossip with Bobby about what a bitch-

'-you are?' Sam finished for him

'See what I mean Cas, Sammy's feeling super sensitive at the moment so we won't talk anymore about you zapping him to the beauty salon it's cruel to toy with his emotions like that -Ouch! _You can't kick me, I'm carrying a defenceless woman_'

'Just be thankful it was your leg and not your ass' Sam growled between clenched teeth.

Look Cas all I'm saying is now that you're in a girl body you can experience what it's really like to get off while watching por'

'DEAN! if you do not shut up right now I will not be responsible for the consequences'

'Oh go un-bunch your thong Sam before your hurt yourself, no one's talking to you. So what do you say Cas? You up for it, or I guess I should say hot for it?'

'I… that'

'Cas don't answer that'

'Why are you determined to ruin this for me Sam? Dean barked as he finally reached the entrance, setting Cas on her feet and latching his arm around her again as if she couldn't manage without it 'I've had Cas for years now' Dean grouched while steering her towards the open glass elevator, 'and I hardly ever got to have any fun with him er _her_, and now something great happens and you want to crap all over it'

'You call this something great' Sam hissed

'Yes' Dean hissed 'after all the crap I have been through I call this something freaking great, now shut up and stop trying to spoil it for me just because you're jealous that me and Cas have a more… er what do you call it again Cas?'

'Call what Dean?'

'This weirdo thing we have between us'

'If you are referring to our bond-'

'Yeah that's it, were profoundly bonded or whatever, Cas said so, so shut up and stay out of it Sam, go find your own bond Angel, maybe that Inais dude or something, I personally thought he was kinda your type ,you know, emo and sensitive and all that crap, and of course most importantly _a dude'_

Sam's jaw tightened as Dean smirked at him and Castiel rasped 'Dean, are you disparaging a member of my former garrison?'

'What! No,' Dean quickly tightened his arm around Cas, there's nothing wrong with being emo and sensitive Cas, just take Sam here-'

'Dean shut up' Sam seethed

Dean opened his mouth to say something but then his eyes travelled past Sam down towards a commotion on the ground floor. Dean's eyes narrowed and fixated on a group of wide eyed teenage boys craning their necks to look up as the elevator ascended. Dean rolled his eyes and pulled Castiel closer to him muttering in her ear 'erm Cas… legs together' while Sam realised that Castiel's usual wide legged masculine stance coupled with the transparent floor of the elevator was causing quite the spectacle.

Castiel looked confused 'What?'

'Those damn kids are staring up your coat Cas! Shish, don't you get it? You know, and I never thought I would be saying this to a hot chick but you may wanna keep those pretty legs together for now okay. Just look at that little ginger barstard down there', Dean growled 'he's practically lying flat on his back to get a better look, the little pervert'

'That's kinda the pot calling the kettle, ouch!... did you actually just step on my toe'

'Did you actually just run your mouth some more when I've specifically told you to shut up how many times today already?'

Dean stiffened all of a sudden as Castiel pulled his face around to hers and stared into his eyes, 'Oh… I see, er thank you Dean' Castiel rasped shifting awkwardly until her little bare feet were pressed firmly together.

Dean seemed frozen in place even as Castiel's hand fell from his face and his eyes fell to her chest again as Sam elbowed him in the ribs, 'sonuvabitch' Dean growled his expression promising retribution until his eyes travelled to the now surly looking teenage boys still craning their necks to look up at Cas. 'free shows over boys' Dean muttered smirking down at them. The ginger teenager flipped him the bird, wiping the smirk off Dean's face.

Dean was about to flip the bird right back at him when Sam grabbed his arm 'At least try to act your damn age at some point today Dean' Sam seethed tightening his grip on Dean's arm and restraining him.

'What, they started it' Dean grouched his expression surly as Sam rolled his eyes and let out a long-suffering sigh.


	3. Chapter 3 - Size Matters

**Chapter Three – Size matters**

'So what's our cover story?… Dean damit are you listening I said what's our cover story'.

'Hmmm' Dean raised his head slowly from where it had been angled to give him a even better view of Castiel's cleavage as he walked with his arm glued around her shoulders 'what?'.

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, 'Dean, two large men, one with his eyes on stalks, bring a naked-under-her-coat, barefoot, bewildered looking woman into a clothing store, you don't think that looks a little suspicious, we need a plausible cover story'.

'Er right, well good luck with that Sammy were counting on you' Dean grinned 'and Quit scowling your face might freeze that way. Hey Cas, do you think we should start calling you Cassie now?'.

'No. Only Balthazar calls me that, or I should say he called me that before I…'

'Oh hey, whoa, look no talking about anything that puts that look on your face, look forget I said anything okay, Cas is fine, people will just think it's short for Cassandra or whatever. God this place is huge where the hell are we going anyway?'.

'I don't know Dean I was just following you'.

'You what? come on Sam, out of the two of us you're the one whose most likely to know the right store to help a girl look her best'.

'Shut up Dean- oh wait look that place over there should be fine, the sign says it specialises in clothing for petite women'.

'See what did I say, that's perfect for Cas, although I don't think this store will cater to your specific needs Sammy, you being a sasquatch and all'.

'Dean I'm not above kicking you again' Sam growled as they entered the store.

'And I'm not above kicking you back asshat'.

'Hey why don't you just-'.

'Hello, how can I help y'all?'.

Sam looked down at the immaculately dressed older woman 'Er, well my friend, I mean cousin here, she was er, that is er, her house was… just er… burnt to the ground, faulty wiring she's lucky to be alive, er anyway she lost everything and-'.

'Why you poor darling!' The woman swooped down on Cas and practically wrestled her away from Dean 'what a truly awful thing to happen, well never you mind sugar you have come to the right place to chase your troubles away' we got everything a little thing like yourself could ever want here, and you know what, I think getting you a pretty new wardrobe is the first step to recovery, what do you think sugar'

Castiel glanced at Dean for help and Dean nodded, Castiel faced the sales assistant and nodded solemnly.

'Is this a vintage store or something it seems kind of old-school' Sam asked looking around at the old fashioned dresses with attachable aprons hanging on the wall.

'Well of course it's vintage sugar everything here is from the 1950's' the shop assistant drawled as she patted her immaculate beehive, 'now that was a decade when a lady looked her best at all times and a gentlemen truly appreciated-'

'Does all that crap mean it's really expensive' Dean hissed under his breath.

'Yeah Dean I think it does' Sam whispered back.

-'now don't you worry none boys I am gonna fix up….'

'Cas' Dean supplied as Castiel stared at the woman as if trying to read her mind 'it's short for Cassandra, er she hasn't spoken much since the fire she's still pretty shaken up'.

The sales assistant visibly relaxed as Dean nudged Cas and whispered 'quit poking around in her head'.

'I can not read her mind Dean, currently it would seem I can only do that with you'.

'Awesome' Dean snapped sarcastically.

'Now don't you worry none Cassandra is in safe hands darlin' the sales assistant stared pointedly at Dean as he realised he had his arm around Cas again and both Sam and the sales assistant were staring at him.

'come on darlin this way'.

Castiel glanced over her shoulder at Dean almost helplessly as the women led her away and Sam cleared his throat loudly as Dean moved to follow her.

'Oh, Wait a minute!' Sam produced a credit card and pressed it into Castiel's hands, 'when you're finished getting what you need just pay for it with this' and then call us and we'll come pick you up.

Castiel looked at the card in confusion and Dean drew Sam to one side. 'hey' he hissed 'we can't risk Cas doing or saying something that gives away the fact that credit card aint ours and five minutes alone with that woman and she's gonna think Cas is an freaking alien or something, _you know what he's like_ he's bad enough as a dude, there's no way he can pull off credit card fraud when he _damit_, SHE doesn't even really know what that is!'.

Sam hated to admit it but Dean was right they had to stick around and make sure Castiel didn't get them into trouble.

'Er look you've been through quite a er shock, Cas why don't you just follow the nice lady and let her pick out what's best for you and we'll stick around and pay for everything at the end, what are cousins for after all?.

'Oh you guys are _all_ family?'.

'Yes'.

The woman looked at Dean whose eyes were once again riveted to Castiel's chest and a smile played across her lips, '_really_?'.

'Well er, were more distant cousins then immediate family, er yeah anyway the umm-

'-Fire' Sam hissed under his breath.

'Fire was just two days ago, and poor Cas is still in shock, she's been staying at our place since we bought her home from the hospital but she needs clothes and nothing we have will fit her'.

'Well of course not she's such a tiny little thing and y'all are such strapping young men, oh my' The middle aged assistant fanned herself and smiled at Sam, Dean made his famous 'cougars out to get ya' face and Sam stepped on his toe.

'So do you think you can help her?' Sam asked earnestly hitting the sales assistant with the puppy eyes as she melted on the spot.

'Of course I can sugar don't you give it another thought, you leave her to me'.

'Come on Dean lets go wait in those chairs. Dean!'.

'Hmm yeah?'.

'I said lets go' Sam sighed and dragged Dean away by his arm when he made no signs of moving electing instead to stand lock eyed with Cas as the two stared at each other in that intense way they sometimes did.

Sam steered Dean to a comfortable looking armchair and shoved him into one.

'Hey, quit shoving.

'Then snap out of it already'.

'Get bent'.

Sam laughed at Dean and sat beside him on the armchair. Barely five minutes had passed when Sam started tapping and jiggling his foot and looking like a mousse out of place in the small ultra feminine clothing store.

'You got ants in your pants or something Sammy'.

'If I did it wouldn't be because of some stripper'.

'I keep telling you I was itching because I was allergic to the damn shower gel in that stupid motel room, I had a rash that's all'.

'Yeah, right'.

'You know you don't have to stick around Sam you can go if you want'.

'And leave you alone here with Cas, I don't think so'.

'I think beehive will slap me soundly if I'm anything less than a gentleman Sammy'.

'Yeah I think she will, thank god, well okay there's some stuff I need to pick up for Bobby I should be able to find some of it around this maze, I won't be long, Dean, _please_ _don't be a dick while I'm gone__'._

Dean picked up a 1950's fashion magazine and pretended to leaf through it, 'I can handle things without you Sammy'.

'That's what I'm afraid of Dean'.

'Get lost already'.

Sam practically fled and Dean sighed, tossed the magazine aside and had a good look around the store; sadly the lingerie was nowhere to be seen, trust Sam to pick out the this kind of place, they had to ditch this modesty fest and get Cas to a store which specialised in plunging necklines and short hemlines ASAP this was not-

'Dean!' Castiel rasped at the top of his lungs 'Dean! _Dean_!' Dean leapt up and raced into the ladies changing area expecting to find a demon attacking or Cas having suddenly turned back into a man half way though changing into woman's underwear, what he found however was Castiel standing in nothing but a tiny pair or jade green lacy panties, and an unconscious sales assistant under a pile of clothes.

'What the hell happened Cas'.

'I don't know' Castiel wailed wide eyed, and Dean realised he hadn't seen Cas this freaked since the time he dragged him to that brothel and 'chastity' made eyes at him.

'Okay, well did you do this to her'

'Yes. I didn't mean to, but she kept asking me questions, like what size I am, and I just got this body Dean _I don't know what size it is!_ And then she kept asking me what cup size I was, I have no idea what that means, I don't drink from cups, and even if I did what would it matter what size they were? But when I told her that and she looked at me like I was crazy and then she er, she touched me here' Castiel pointed at her breasts which distracted Dean completely as he tried desperately to focus on Castiel's Smokey voice and stop starting at her breast '...and then I put her to sleep'.

'Well at least that means you're getting some of your mojo back Cas'.

'But I didn't _mean_ to put her to sleep Dean it just _happened'._

'Well okay so you panicked, no big deal, just fix her quickly grab something to cover that smoking hot bod of yours, erm I mean get something to wear seriously anything will do at this point and let's get the hell out of here'.

'This box is tiny and hot' Castiel growled as Dean's mind went blank and his eyes travelled south against his will .

'Dean!' Sam barked stepping into the tiny changing room which was already at capacity, 'really? Seriously? the minute I leave you alone with her? what is wrong with you?-' Sam noticed Castiel was topless and quickly turned his back.

'Dean what's going on? why is the sales assistant unconscious on the floor? Sam kicked Dean 'stop staring at Castiel's crotch and answer me' Dean's eyes snapped up and fixated on Castiel's exposed chest, 'stop staring at those as well' Sam hissed kicking Dean again 'and just answer the damn question'.

Dean turned his back and ran his hand down his face, 'er listen Cas, your cup size refers to the size of your breasts'.

'What-'

'-Not now Sam- that's what she was talking about'.

Castiel' looked down at her breasts in confusion 'Well I have no idea what size they are Dean why does that matter?'.

'Erm well she has to know what size they are so she can get you a bra or something'.

'Oh right, yes of course, I am unaccustomed to the sartorial needs of a female vessel'.

Dean took a deep breath 'look Cas you need this stuff alright'.

'Well when I didn't know what size clothing I ought to purchase the woman placed her hands on my waist and said she had forgotten her tape measure but after all these years she didn't really need one, I see now she was trying to measure me, when she touched me here as well, can you do this? then I can wake her up and tell her when she asks me'.

'_Don't even think about it_' Sam hissed, 'look Cas I'm gonna step out of here because were gonna start attracting negative attention pretty soon guys aren't allowed back here, -Dean _lets go-. _CasI'm sure the sales assistant knows how to measure a lady without a tape but believe me my idiot brother can't guess your cup size by feeling you up'.

'You don't know that Sam, _so stop acting like you do_, Cas I think I can if I try'.

'Not gonna happen Dean now come on' Sam slapped his hand down on Dean's jacket collar and yanked him backwards.

'Hey!'.

'Cas listen just let her help you she's not doing anything wrong okay, if you really feel uncomfortable then ask her to get a tape measure, all clothes come in different sizes if you don't know what size you are it will just make things more difficult okay'.

'Okay Sam'. Dean er, will you stay close by in case I need your help, this situation is strange to me and I find this woman… grating she keeps asking me personal questions about my er… about, well she assumed you were my er… because of the way you were looking at me'.

'Well just don't answer any personal questions, wait what? why was she asking about you and me?... you know what never mind' Dean barked taking in Sam's _you're kidding right!_ expression and not liking it one bit 'just try and hurry this along just er tell her you're not feeling well, you know fake a female thing if you have to and-'.

'What?'.

'…never mind, just get some clothes, I'm begging you, anything will do at this point so we can get the hell out of here'.

Castiel nodded but Dean could see it he- _she_ was freaked and he couldn't resist smiling he'd seen Cas face down the likes of Alistair without flinching even when he was getting his ass kicked, and yet here he was freaked out by the prospect of lacy panties.

Dean looked up to find Cas glaring at him which schooled her new feminine features into an expression he recognized from the male version of Castiel _which_ _should have made her far less appealing but didn't , _the glaring turned into outright snarling as she was obviously reading his thoughts again, and things went rapidly from appealing to disturbingly hot.

'Well since your such an expert on female undergarments Dean why don't you help me instead of standing there thinking that I am a coward'.

'Whoa I don't think you're a coward Cas, I just think that you would honestly rather face down Alistair than-'.

'I know what you think' Cas spat furiously her blue eyes blazing and Dean took a step towards her almost involuntarily. _The complete opposite of his usual reaction to a furious Castiel_. Dean saw sense at the last moment, and halted if he so much as _looked_ at Cas just to appreciate her new form-_because Damn there was a lot to appreciate_- Sam started bitching, if he stayed here much longer he might _really_ start appreciating her new form... Not that he wanted to or anything... It was still Cas after all... almost naked Cas... With her full perfect breast heaving with all that disturbingly hot indignation... Dean took another step forward. Sam was going to bitch about his so called sleazing for hours as it was, so what did it matter if he just… _wait_ _what the hell was he doing!_ It was still Cas, no matter how he- damit _she_ looked now, he couldn't just… 'Look I'll just be out here in the waiting area, where men er... people wait okay, do you think you can wake up the sales assistant after we leave?.

'I believe so'.

'Okay well you do that and then let her check your sizes okay, trust me it's gonna be fine Cas'.

'Would you get the hell out here already'.

Dean jumped at the sound of Sam's voice as he started dragging him backwards out of the changing area _he had completely forgotten that Sam was still there!_

Sam noted his reaction and gave him bitch face as he pushed Dean back into his seat 'so you planning how to pop the question yet?' Sam sneered.

'Ha ha Sammy'.

'I thought I specifically asked you _not_ to be a dick when I was gone'.

'I wasn't-'.

'-I found you in the women's changing area with Cas practically naked, how exactly is that not being a dick'.

'Hey she called me'.

'Whatever Dean, I only came back to drop off some of the bags, and make sure you weren't making a complete idiot of yourself, and it's a good job I did'.

'-I wasn't

'-I'm almost done, so just'

'-Sam if you tell me not to act like a dick, so help me, I am going to punch you in yours'.

Sam's smug you wouldn't do that to me smile irritated Dean so he kicked Sam in the ankle, _hard_ Sam's expression went from shocked to murderous 'fine, get smited then, see if I care' Sam snarled his expression promising retribution as he left the store.

Dean leaned back in his chair and tried not to picture Cas in those little lace panties and failed. He looked around and realised Cas wasn't there to read his mind and bitch about what her snooping showed her and Sam wasn't here to decide on his own what he was thinking and bitch about what his interfering made him imagine, in short, _he could think what he liked._ The scent of floral perfume was overwhelming but not unpleasant as he relaxed completely in the comfortable chair and it really was hot in this little place just like Cas said, a smile spread across Dean's face at Castiel's unintentional double entendre earlier and the image of her in those panties and the hint of silky looking blue black curls behind the jade lace seeped into his mind as he blissfully let his thoughts run riot.

'What the hell is taking him I mean _her_ so long in there anyway he's _she's_ been in there for like half an hour'.

Sam's voice boomed though his thoughts and ruined everything just when it was getting good _the_ _sonuvabitch_ .

'What are you talking about you just left a minute ago, why'd the hell you have to come back so soon anyway'.

Sam raised his eyebrows 'Dude I've been gone for like half an hour'.

'No you haven't it's been like, five minutes'.

Sam gestured at the new shopping bags in his hands 'dude she's been in there forever, I've been all over this place getting weird stuff for Bobby, wait a minute, _Were you so busy fantasizing about her you lost all track of time_? Sam's eyebrows rose and a smile spread across her face as Dean tried to hide his expression 'you were, dude you were totally sitting here dreaming about your little crush like a damn school girl'.

'No I wasn't! Dean snapped I was just sitting here thinking about the case'.

'What case?' Sam laughed 'we're not on any case' .

'Er hello the case of how our little nerd angel changed from dude to a chick, you know thatcase'.

'Oh _that_ case' Sam nodded slowly and then laughed harder as he arranged the shopping bags and collapsed his large frame into the armchair beside Dean tossing back his hair and grinning at him with relish 'So when you were er _thinking_ about the case, was Cas wearing any clothes at all or did you just skip right to the nudity?'.

'Dean's face flushed under Sam's amused scrutiny and he abruptly shot to his feet striding towards the female changing area before Sam could stop him 'you're right, she has been in there forever, you know what, I'm gonna go check on her, you stay here'.

'Dean are you nuts get back here' Sam hissed between clenched teeth as he leapt to his feet chasing after Dean.

'Cas' Dean barked marching into the woman's changing area were they had left Cas and yanking back the curtain like he had a right too 'what the hell's taking so long? you buying the whole department?'.

'Oh God' Sam moaned' as an elderly woman shrieked at Dean throwing a dress in his face and shielding herself with her hands'.

'Who the hell are you?' Dean barked recovering from his open mouthed shock and sticking his head further into the room looking around the small changing room as if the old woman had hidden Castiel 'Where the hell is Cas?'.

'Dean stop it' Sam barked physically dragging Dean away 'please excuse my idiot brother Mame he's just upset because he can't find his girlfriend'

'-Hey!'

'-We are so sorry, look were leaving now Mame, please don't call security, this is a simple misunderstanding. his girlfriend was in this changing room, and well there in love and he gets separation anxiety if he's away from her for too long'.

'Sammy you are really asking for it' Dean growled between clenched teeth.

'Oh that's so sweet' the old lady beamed at Dean as Sam picked up the dress she had thrown at Dean off the floor and handed it to her 'she's a very lucky thing your wife, my late husband was crazy about me when we were young things in love like that too'.

'That colour dress will look lovely on you by the way Mame' Sam smiled while manhandling Dean away from the dressing

'it really er… brings out your eyes'.

'Oh aren't you sweet, thank you dear' the old lady smiled as she closed the curtain.

'Really brings out your eyes' Dean snorted '_So frigging gay Sammy'_ .

'_Shut the hell up_' Sam growled 'you almost got us into some serious trouble you idiot, if she had had called security, I would be trying to explain how my deranged pervert brother gets his kicks busting into the women's changing area and exposing nice old ladies to the cops right now'.

'Where the hell is Cas' Dean hissed throwing Sam's arm off him and striding back towards the changing rooms as Sam grabbed him with both hands and pulled him back the other way 'Cas get out here now' Dean bellowed as Sam tried to clap his hands over Dean's mouth. Cas came rushing out of a changing room colliding with Dean as he shoved Sam back and whipped aground to face her, Sam watched in disbelief as Dean's hands went to her waist and he mumbled softly 'where the hell have you been?'

Sam rolled his eyes he wasn't getting caught back here because Dean had lost his mind 'any problems Cas you call me on my cell, and you might want to let go of her now Dean, she can stand on her own'.

Castiel frowned watching Sam's retreating back 'He has began treating me very differently since this whole change occurred, and despite my assuring him otherwise he is still acting as if I need his protection, why does he think I am no longer capable of looking after myself?'.

'Where the hell were you?' Dean repeated distracted by the short pink satiny dressing gown she was barely wearing and hardly registering what she was saying'why weren't you in the changing room, Sam exposed some poor old lady looking for you, he was worried something else weird had happened to you, where did you go?.

'I told Julia that the box was too small and hot'.

Dean's mind went blank for a second.

'So she moved us to another... _Dean why are you thinking about sex again?'_

'I'm not thinking about sex' Dean lied finding himself unwilling to relinquish his hold on her satin clad waist.

'Yes you are' Castiel's frown deepened 'you are also acting strangely with me, does the change in the appearance of my physical vessel really make this much difference?'

_Hells yeah_ Dean barked mentally and the cute sexy little thing Cas was almost wearing wasn't helping matters, it barely skimmed the top of her thighs and the open neckline gave him a spectacular view of her amazing rack._ He took it all back about vintage ladies clothing being boring this little number was seriously smoking hot, and it was making her perfect breasts look like they were about to spill out and- _

'That's what I thought' Cas rasped looking down at her breasts 'I told that woman that this thing does not fit at all, clothes are supposed to provide coverage not leave you half exposed, but that woman insisted you would like it this way'.

'Huh, why me?'.

'Well now I can go back and tell her you agree with me, this garment _is_ too small'.

'Yeah yeah way to small' rushed out of his mouth' as _It's the frigging perfect size, look at the way it clings to those curves _raced through his mind. Castiel's frown turned into a scowl indicating she had heard his thoughts which unfortunately were in direct contradiction with his words.

Dean pulled Cas a little closer 'Look Cas I'm sorry if were,_ if I'm, _making this whole thing harder it's just, it's a shock okay were used to you as a dude'.

'You and your bother are adept at dealing with shock and strange situations why should this be any different?'.

A hundred reasons why raced through Dean's brain before he could stop them and Castiel looked down at her new body.

'Is this new form really so interesting to you Dean?'.

Dean groaned inwardly 'Cas _please_' he said softly 'let's just get this over with'.

Castiel stared up at him and Dean licked his lips, _god she was beautiful_. The strange thing was she didn't exactly look _different_ it was just every feature was slightly altered to be it's beautiful feminine equivalent, in short standing in front of him practically naked and looking as perplexed as he had ever seen was his angel, his Cas. Her expression grew even more bewildered and Dean couldn't help thinking the crazy thought that she looked like an incredibly sexy little kitten as she stared up at him her soft pink lips parting slightly. Dean licked his lips again and his head seemed to be lowering of his own accord.

'Are you kidding me with this!' Sam barked '_Dean what is your freaking problem_? do you think I want to keep sneaking into the women's changing area like some kind of pervert? come on were leaving, _now_, if you can't act right you can just go wait in the damn car...DEAN!?'.

Dean opened his eyes and jumped as Sam seemed to appear out of nowhere loudly barking his name.

'He did not appear out of nowhere Dean he's been standing here chastising you for quite some time'.

'You know Cas you never used to read my mind this much before you became a chick'.

'Yes I did'.

'_Well you didn't talk about it all the time_' Dean hissed.

'But you were mostly thinking what you were saying then so there was nothing to talk about, now I find that your either thinking of me in what I'm beginning to realise is a purely licentious manner or you are thinking of _lying _about thinking of me in a purely licentious manner'.

'Look lady it's not my fault' Dean huffued 'I'm a dude, all dudes think about hot chicks like that'.

'Speak for yourself asshat' Sam hissed.

'Well obviously I don't mean guys who prefer to think about other dudes like you Sammy'.

'You're an idiot Dean' Sam huffed.

'It's in the guy code Cas, _it's in our DNA_, I can't change that'.

'You're actually saying that to someone who resurrected you and has literally seen your DNA _how dumb are you planning on getting today?'._

'if she's seen it then knows what I'm talking about'.

Castiel's expression said she had no idea what he was talking about and as she opened her mouth to say something Sam dragged him away.

'I can't believe you were about to frigging kiss Cas!' Sam hissed as he marched Dean back to the seating area 'you can't just go suck face with an angel of the lord, are you crazy!'.

'I was not trying to suck face - damit Sam, _I wasn't going to kiss her'._

'Yeah, right, look Dean I've seen you putting the moves on more bar maids and waitresses them I care to, I think I know what you look like when you're about to start making out.

'Spying on your innocent brother when he's getting some Sammy, now whose the pervert?'.

'Er, that would still be you, and spying you have to be joking, I'm talking about the stuff you pull with women in full view of the public, frankly sometimes I'm surprised you don't just go for it right there on the bar or the pool table'.

'No thanks Sam I prefer to stay classy'.

Sam raised his eyebrows in disbelief and Dean glared at him, 'look whatever you say I was _not_ putting the moves on Cas ..._it's Cas_'.

'I'm well aware of that Dean, now maybe if you can convince your dumb stick of that we'll finally start to get somewhere'.

'My what? –_hey there's nothing dumb about my-'_.

'Spare me, Sam hissed 'you know I just can't figure out why the hell your acting this way, anyone would think you hadn't seen a beautiful woman before'.

'Hey what do you mean beautiful woman! you think she's hot don't you!' Dean accused furiously.

Sam sighed 'I didn't say she was hot, I said she's beautiful, and she is, so what? That doesn't mean you have to act like a damn dog in heat, you're embarrassing us both, Cas is our friend and underneath it all still a dude you might want to try remembering that'.

'You think you're so damn smart poindexter, did you forget that technically Cas isn't a dude, he's not an anything, when they're not in a human vessel they're junkless down there remember'.

Sam glared at Dean, 'well cas is in a vessel or the vessel he was in has been trans-gendered, or whatever the hell is going on, I mean your guess is as good as mine, the point is he , er _she_ isn't junkless, damit, I'm not having this conversation, and you're gonna stay put until he-slash-she comes out, _do you hear me'._

'You're not the boss of me!' Dean huffed

'Given the way you're acting, for the remainder of this trip, _yeah Dean I think I am'_

Dean was about to tell Sam exactly what he could do with himself when Cas finally emerged, teetering on dangerously high heels in a strapless ultra feminine summer dress complete with petticoats.

Dean rushed to her side catching her as she pitched forward.

'What is the point of such ludicrous foot wear' Castiel rasped sounding furious as Dean held her closer than was necessary and Sam rolled his eyes.

'Er because they make your legs look sexy?' Dean grinned as Sam glared at him.

'Dean I don't see what that has to do with anything it is not required that I look sexy to fulfil my duties here on earth'.

'Yeah but it can't hurt right' Dean smirked 'besides not sure you have any choice on the looking sexy front' Dean grinned as he pulled Cas closer under the guise of helping her to stand straight.

'Thank you Dean it is difficult to maintain balance in these strange shoes but I believe I can stand unaided now'.

Dean stepped back a little and then walked around Cas slowly in a predatory circle 'Cas are those silk stockings!' Dean exclaimed as he actually crouched down low and ran his hand down Castiel's silk clad calf as Sam drew in his breath in disbelief 'oh my God they are and they have seems up the back, _that is so damn hot'._

'Dean back off' Sam growled.

Dean ignored him completely or else didn't hear him and Sam struggled for patience 'look Cas I think these probably aren't the right clothes for you, I'm thinking more pants and shirt for our er, line of work'.

Dean's head shot round as he gave Sam a very unfriendly look and Sam's eyes narrowed _oh now he wants to hear me?_

'I thought so too Sam but you insisted that I trust that woman to know what was right for me to wear and _she_ insisted that this would drive Dean crazy.'

'Well she was right there' Sam smirked.

'Shut up Sam, Cas, didn't you tell her were cousins or whatever the hell Sam said we were'.

'She said no cousin ought to be looking at me like that, so to avoid suspicion I told her that Sam was my cousin and you were his friend, then she asked me what kind of women you liked and said ones that were mostly undressed and then she clothed me in this'.

'Where is the sales assistant by the way- Dean get up and quit touching her leg- you didn't knock her out again did you?'.

'No, she said she would put a few more items together while I showed Dean this absurd garment'.

Sam snorted with laughter at Castiel's petulant expression and Dean rose to his feet and ran his hand down over his face 'ah yeah well, okay, listen this obviously isn't working, we need some help, we need a modern girl, a real one, no offense Cas'.

'None taken Dean'.

'Thankfully Sam's here so we won't have to look far...' Sam stopped laughing and glared at him while Dean smirked because he could have sworn Sam was embarrassed to be called a girl in front of girl-Cas .

Sam's eyes narrowed, he had officially had it with his idiot brother today, 'You know what Dean you can just-'

'_No you listen_!' Cas barked, but with her new voice it was sexy as all get out and both Winchesters heads whipped round to look at her 'it was your stupid idea to come here, I told you what my vessel wears is of no import but you wouldn't listen and now I am in this-' Castiel gestured furiously at the useless tiny summer dress '_ridiculous attire'._

'Okay look just calm down' Sam placated.

'I am calm!' Castiel snapped as Dean noticed a slight shift in air pressure that he associated with Cas about to let fly with the Angel mojo.

'Whoa whoa, Cas you don't need to smite us okay' Dean placated his voice a little panicked as the lights began to flicker 'were just trying to help'.

'_How?_ By subjecting me to this… _humiliation'._

Dean raised his eyebrows and looked over at Sam, 'Maybe we should have just left him the way he was before'.

'Dean you're not helping'.

'Hey, maybe the other angels are less upright than we think and Cas flying around with no underwear really won't bother them'.

'Dean!'.

'I'm just saying maybe a buck naked under the trench coat Cas would be-'

'Dean stop talking! Cas listen to me okay, coming here was a mistake, were just going to have to go to another store, one were the sales assistant is not hell bent on dressing you up for a romantic night with Dean'

'-Hey!'

'Come on', we'll just pay for this so you have something to wear out of here, and go somewhere else okay'.

Castiel suddenly seemed forlorn and deflated as all the fight seemed to go out of her 'Okay Sam'.

'It's gonna be okay Cas I promise' Dean whispered stroking her bare shoulder and then snatching his hand back as Sam cleared his cleared his throat loudly.

'Where's beehive, we need to get this show on the road, _Hey can we get some service over here?'_ Dean bellowed. The sales assistant appeared looking flustered, with piles of clothes in her arms, and Dean lowered his voice and poured on the charm. 'Sorry, didn't mean to yell there, I'm just concerned my cousin- er, that is my friends cousin is doing a little too much too soon out of the hospital you know' Dean drew the sales assistant over to one side 'just between you and me she's feeling a little emotional after everything she's been through and we probably should have waited a few more days to do this, so were gonna just pay for what she's wearing and call it a day alright'.

'Whatever you say sugar' the sales assistant drawled as she tried and failed to hide her disappointment at the loss of a fat commission while resting the small mountain of vintage clothing on the arm chair 'will you be wanting everything she's wearing?'.

'Yes, we'll take it all' Dean took out his credit card and the sales assistant eyed it with distaste.

'We prefer cash at this establishment young man'.

Dean hit her with a smile 'come on, just this once what do you say, I mean you do have a machine here somewhere right hmm', Dean waved the credit card at her and turned up the wattage on his smile trying to ignore the judgment he could feel coming off Sam, who was a fine one to judge him when he used his puppy eye thing to get what he wanted all the time, yet when he used his way with the ladies to get what he wanted Sam went all huffy on him, god, _Sam could be such a pain in the ass sometimes_.

'Oh alright' the sales assistant smiled and patted Dean's cheek 'but only because you are such a darlin'.

'Dean leaned closer and whispered 'could you throw in that pink satiny thing she was wearing earlier as well?'

The sales assistant gave him a knowing smile and whispered 'sure thing sugar, I'll go pack it'

The sales assistant disappeared into the back and Dean turned his attention back to Cas who almost fell over trying to take her shoes off, Sam's arm shot out to support her before Dean had time to move and Castiel took the high heels off glaring at them and looking belligerent enough to throw then across the vintage store.

Sam ever the gentlemen tried to conceal his laughter as he took the shoes from Cas. The shoes looked tiny in his massive sasquatch hands and Dean didn't like the feeling creeping over him as Sam towered over her patting her bare shoulder awkwardly as he reassured her that the next place they picked would be better.

'Yes. I hope the next assistant does not keep asking me just between us girls, what Dean is like in bed'.

Sam burst out laughing 'She asked you that! what did you tell her'.

'I said he tossed and turned and sometimes in an effort to get to sleep he seized himself and-'

'Okay, whoa, no forget I asked, I really don't need to know that Cas, especially since I'm usually sleeping in the bed across from him'.

'And then she asked me if you were available, and that while you were a little too young for her she had a lovely single niece about your age'.

'Please tell me you said no' Sam groaned.

'I told her that she was not too old for you'.

'Dude! I mean, not dude, _whatever_, why the hell would you do that, she's like fifty or something'.

'62'.

'Really? Damn that's a lot of botox'.

'What is bo-'

'Never mind, why would did you tell her that?'

'Because Dean told me that you once dated a elderly grandmother when you were even younger than you are now and that she couldn't keep her hands off you and you came back reeking of copulation'.

'I'm gonna kick Dean's ass' Sam growled furiously as Castiel stared at him quizzically 'Cas it's not what you think, we were on a case years ago and that bitch Bella set us up and forced us into working with her, and then she and Dean thought it was funny to pimp me out to some grabby handsy old lady, so they could go after this cursed hand while I was nearly groped to death, but _that's it_ nothing else happened'.

'So you did not copulate with this elderly woman as Dean believes?'

'Dean knows damn well I didn't' Sam seethed and Dean could practically hear Sam's jaw clenching as he looked away trying and failing to contain his laughter.

'Oh, then I have unintentionally given that sales assistant the wrong information, I should correct this, she was very pleased when I told her you did not mind copulating with women even older than she was and she was just asking me for your number when I heard Dean shouting for me to come out'.

'That's it were leaving. Dean we're going on ahead'.

'Hey!' Dean barked as Sam ushered Cas towards the exit hurriedly.

'But Sam don't you think I should let the sales assistant know that I gave her misinformation about you being happy to copulate with elderly women'

'I'm sure Dean can tell her' Sam seethed between clenched teeth his face flushing as he held the door open for Cas and Dean couldn't help smiling at having played an unwitting part in setting Sam up in another cougar situation because hey that was _always_ fun.

The sales assistant emerged from the back her immaculate beehive in disarray as she brandished an old fashioned carbon copy credit card machine from the 1980's 'I found it sugar' .

Dean whistled low at the price of the silly dress and killer heels but he was more than happy to pay for the stockings and frankly after everything Sam had put him through today he was well within his rights to throw that satin number Cas was wearing earlier into the deal, he deserved something good in his life right now, and sadly since Sam had taken over he would probably catch up with them to find Cas dressed head to toe in men's flannel. Dean actually shuddered at the thought and decided to hurry this up, the sooner he put a stop to that damn brother of his the better.

The sales assistant was scrutinising him beneath her long false eyelashes as he faked his signature and Dean wondered if she suspected his hacked credit card, although how she could tell with that relic credit card machine he had couldn't say, but it was better to be on the safe side, he turned the charm up another notch and made small talk as he finished up the payment and she handed him the receipt, so not the credit card then, so what was all the staring about? then he groaned inwardly, his fake smile disappearing as he recalled Cas telling the sales assistant that he spent his nights tossing and turning and seizing himself.


	4. Better run through the lipstick jungle

**Chapter 3 - _Better run through the lipstick jungle_**

'Going on ahead my ass', Dean snapped under his breath, reaching for his phone, _how the hell was he supposed to find Cas in this maze anyway_? 'Sam where the hell are you? he snapped when Sam answered on the second ring.

'Urm.. let me see, we're in this unisex store one floor down from where we were-'

'-_I knew it'_ Dean interrupted full of rage 'I knew you would be trying to dress her head to toe in flannel the moment my back was turned you sonuvabitch'.

'What! I'm not trying too- look I'm just trying to get her some jeans and I don't know t-shirts some regular stuff you know'.

'_I'm gonna kick your ass_ Sammy'.

'Why? Because I'm not trying to dress her up like a playboy bunny for you Dean'.

'You stay right where you are and don't make a single purchase until I get there _do you hear me?'_

'What!'

Dean stabbed the end call button angrily and headed for the escalator. He found the store quickly and big surprise it was practically a flannel _emporium_, typical Sam. 'nice try Sammy', he hissed under his breath while Sam stared at him as if he really hadn't been trying to ruin everything behind his back, 'hey there Cas'

'Hello Dean'

Dean found himself reaching for Cas before he could stop himself _but then again_ _why should he stop himself? He wasn't doing anything wrong, Cas was his Angel after all_. 'Listen we're gonna get out of here okay' he smiled putting his arm around her shoulders casually 'Sam's confused it happens when you lead a double life, you know one where you dress like a backwoodsman in layers of flannel but secretly wear plus size ladies panties under your-'

'-Dean _will you shut up'._

'Sorry Sam didn't mean to reveal your little secret there'.

Sam rolled his eyes and prayed for patience 'Dean what the hell do you want to do here anyway? I mean you do realise that she's actually going to have to be seen out in public in the clothes we buy her right?

'Yeah so?'

'_So_ a few bikinis and I don't know, a PVC maids outfit aren't really going to cut it'

'Shows what you know Sammy, I would _never_ buy her a PVC maids outfit, what the hell do you think I am a savage!, she wouldn't be able to breathe in that get up'

'And how the hell do you know that, you try it yourself?

'No smart ass, Lisa tried it for me once and she said… wait a minute, Cas really doesn't really have to breathe as far as I know so maybe-'

'Don't even think about it Dean!'

'Well you're the one that bought it up!'

'I don't care!'

'She threw my coat in the trash' Cas suddenly said sounding small and forlorn 'I tried to get it back but when I turned around it was gone she said it wasn't even fit to donate to goodwill because it looked like it already belonged to a hobo and it was certainly nothing for a pretty little thing like me to wear, but that was my coat, my vessels coat'.

'I'm sorry she did that Cas' _Well beehives stock just went way up in my book._ 'She was mean, you could tell by the hair'.

'But I am going to need it when I change back'.

'Look I'm sure you can shazam yourself a new one when you get your full mojo back, until then stop worrying about it okay'.

'Okay Dean'.

'That's the spirit Cas, now I saw someplace that we just have to try on the way down here'.

'But Dean can't we just get something from here and leave this whole thing is-'

'-Hell no we can't get anything from here, nothing would fit you for a start, Sam seems to have dragged you into the nearest sasquatch outfitters on autopilot'.

'Get bent Dean'.

'Not my style Sammy'.

'But Dean-'

'-No can do Cas, I'm sorry but you're just going to have to trust me on this one, this is not the place for you, I mean all this flannel and hillbilly wear and not even _one_ decent pair of daisy dukes in sight, _no dice_, we're getting out of here'.

'Oh god' Sam groaned under his breath.

'What are daisy dukes?'.

'They're these cute little-

'-Don't worry about it Cas' Sam interjected 'it's nothing, let's just go okay'.

Dean smirked at Sam as he led Cas away humming the tune to 'who likes short shorts' as Sam's eyes slid shut in exasperation and he closed his eyes and shook his head slowly.

'Look Sam I think it's clear that you have no taste in clothes whatsoever, I mean you did take her to 'yetis are us' the moment my back was turned, it just proves that you're not up to this job, so I think it's best that I take charge of this mission'

'Yeah right-' Sam's phone rang again and Bobby's aggravated tone when he hit answer suggested that things were not going well on the _'who the hell turned Cas into a woman'_ front.

'Listen Sam I aint got all day, what's taking so long? Hurry it up would ya. Now I Googled where you two knuckleheads are and there's this new-agey Wiccan store that lucky for us just so happens to have some of the things I need I'm gonna text you a list, you go get it and-'

'-look Bobby I'm on it as soon as we get this whole clothes shopping fiasco over and done with'.

'What? You mean to tell me you two morons are still wasting time on shopping like a couple of girls when we have a major situation on our hands?'

'Oh this isn't my fault Bobby, this is on my brother, and trust me you don't know the half of it, _you have no idea what a giant pain in the ass Dean is being'_.

'So what else is new? Just get the damn stuff already, somebody who had the power to do something like this to an _Angel_ without them even knowing about it is someone we _need_ to know something about and right now we know less than squat, I think that's a bit more important that the fact your brother is being a pain in the ass as usual, now just get something for Cas to walk or fly around in so he, goddamit _she_ doesn't get arrested for being buck nekid when she pops in and out and get the hell out of there, I mean you can handle a little thing like that can't you Sam?'

'Bobby you don't understand' Sam lowered his voice 'Dean is this close to getting smited back to hell for blasphemy _you do not want to know how he has been behaving'._

'What part of _I don't care we have larger concerns_ are you not understanding? Now just get it done and get your asses back here' _click._

_Great_. 'Listen Dean I have to head out for a while Bobby needs some more stuff and he's surly on a whole new level this morning, he's been looking into this whole thing with Cas since I told him about it when he called me back at the motel room, and things aren't going well, and he's right Dean, something like this happening, something this big, there should be talk, there should be a whole lot of talk, but nothing, it's almost too quiet, that sound good or even right to you Dean?'

'No, tell him to keep trying and we'll get in it and help him as soon as we get back' .

'Alright, so lets hurry this up, Bobby's just text me a list, I'm gonna go get what he needs, and you take Cas somewhere normal and get her some regular stuff okay, now do you think you can behave long enough to do that or am I going to have to buy you a muzzle and chain you to a fire hydrant to stop you making an ass of yourself? Dean? Sam looked up from reading Bobby's text message to find he was talking to himself and people were staring at him.

**_Dean and Cas were gone._**

* * *

The new-agey Wiccan place as Bobby called it was surprisingly good, it even had some pretty accurate books, he scanned a few, and found one on ancient Angelic lore, which might prove useful in their current predicament. He was about to start scanning it too when he remembered that it definitely wasn't a good idea to leave Dean alone with Cas for a _second_ longer than necessary and decided to buy it instead adding it to the rest of his purchases and calling Dean as the self professed Wiccan handed him his bagged goods and his receipt.

'I'm done here, where are you guys?'

'Oh you know around'.

'What the hell does that mean?' Dean was acting cagey on the phone, _which wasn't a good sign. _

'Look why don't you just go back to that coffee house near where we left you and we'll come meet you in 15 minutes'.

'No, tell me where you are'.

'Okay that's settled then, see you in a bit, Sammy'. _Click_

_Dean was up to something_. He could only hope it was something that didn't get his fool self smited as he headed back to the coffee house and lowered himself into one of the stupid little plastic seats outside the shop that could barely fit a child in as he texted Bobby.

_Got the stuff, place was actually pretty good_

_Well it's not much use to me if you have it ya eidjit_

_Swing by your place after I pry Dean off Cas_

* * *

Dean and Cas arrived 20 minutes later and he just _knew_ something was up, Cas was looking more bewildered then ever and Dean was just too damn _happy_ and he had this stupid grin plastered on his face every time he looked at Cas, which probably didn't mean anything good.

'What the hell have you been doing' he snapped glaring at his idiot brother.

'Nothing just getting Cas some essentials'.

'And what are we calling essentials Dean?'

'You know…essentials. Can we go already? I thought you wanted to hurry this up'.

'Cas, are you wearing lip-gloss?' Sam blurted out incredulously.

'Dean said it would help me get into the right frame of mind, but I can not see how, and it tastes strange'.

'You're not supposed to eat it Cas!'

'I can not help it Dean it is on my mouth, I am unaccustomed to having things on my lips'

Dean groaned faintly 'Someone else is supposed to taste it for you Cas' he murmured staring intently at her mouth 'that's how it works'.

'Right frame of mind for what Cas?' Sam interrupted nudging Dean to make him snap out of it.

'Right frame of mind to shop for women's clothes Sammy what else'.

'The names _Sam'_ he scowled Dean only ever called him Sammy constantly when he was trying to irritate him, _or when he was feeling guilty about something_. 'How many times are you gonna call me Sammy today anyway?'

'As many times as I feel like as always **_Sammy._ **Now we better get going we still have to get Cas something to wear other than that this Doris Day number she's wearing'.

'Wait, are you seriously telling me that you haven't been buying her clothes this whole time! What the hell have you been doing then? you know what never mind, I can guess, they have a playboy bunny store around here after all Dean?'

'Get your mind out of the gutter Sammy, honestly I'm ashamed of you'.

'You're ashamed of me, _that's rich!'_

'Look Cas and I have things to do Sam, are you coming or not?'

Sam's mouth fell open in outrage as Dean led Cas away as if **_he_** were the one causing all the trouble not Dean.

* * *

Sam followed behind Cas and Dean as they wondered around the giant mall aimlessly and Dean's arm which was now glued around Castiel's shoulders like it was the most natural thing in the world made them look like a couple and him like a hulking fifth wheel pointlessly tagging along.

Instead of stopping at the nearest hooker outlet store as Sam was expecting Dean chose a store that seemed surprisingly classy from the outside; but since Dean had picked it Sam didn't trust it and wondered what Dean was up to as he bundled Cas into the store.

'Better let me take those Cas' Dean whispered and Sam noticed that the bags Cas had been clasping had _Agent Provocateur_ emblazoned across the back and his jaw tightened.

'What are you 12?' he hissed at Dean.

'Oh trust me Sammy they don't sell anything a 12 year old would be able to handle' Dean winked at him and ushered Cas to the sales assistant playing the same game they had in the vintage store, but this time he made it clear that Cas was in shock, and needed help, and obviously they didn't know her sizes, and all she had was what she was wearing, naturally Dean neglected to mention that thanks to him Cas actually had the clothes she was wearing _plus_ _bags full of lingerie _Sam thought acidly, watching Dean take the sales assistant to one side and whisper something to her that her face flushing red as she stared at Dean awkwardly for a moment before saying 'whatever you say sir'.

Sam's eyes narrowed and his tension level shot up another degree as Dean put his arm around Cas whispering 'it's okay Cas, just try on whatever she gives you and we can get this over with quickly and get out of here okay' as he handed Cas over to the assistant and headed for the waiting area chairs throwing a smirk in his direction.

'what the hell did you just say to the assistant?' Sam demanded his eyes narrowing 'what the hell are you up to?'

'Sorry did you actually want to ask a girl for her number instead of me?'

'Yeah right, the way you've been eyeballing Cas since this whole thing happened I don't think it's her number you were after, now spill it what did you ask her to do?'

'Why so suspicious Sammy, _where's the trust_?'

'_Dean_, I'm warning you, if Cas comes out here in something ridiculous again I am going to seriously.… oh wow, er Cas you look, really… that's… Cas was wearing a fully tailored looking dress that was both classy and sexy at the same time, it was cut to emphasise her every feminine curve and came down to her knees in a tight pencil skirt, she wore strappy high heels and was glaring at them as she rasped 'Dean, I told you, I have no need of sexy looking legs and-'

'-too late there babe'

'-I do not believe in this kind of ludicrous footwear'.

'But these shoes are different to the ones you tried on in that other store Cas, those were stupid your right, but these are great, besides you can't wear a dress like that with just any shoes -_can she honey?'_

Dean pinned the assistant under his stare and she looked from Dean to Cas hurriedly 'These shoes are recommend for this dress Mame, and there's a purse and shawl as well' she looked over at Dean hurriedly and he gave a barely perceptible nod of his head 'these things are sold in sets and we can't sell them separately so you have to buy the whole outfit'.

Sam felt the last of his patience fly away as he barked 'Oh that's a bunch of-

-Good advice' Dean interrupted glaring at him 'Sam here's just annoyed that he didn't get to pick out something for himself this time, but I keep telling him today's about our sweet cousin Cassandra, we can get him that floaty Marylyn Monroe knock off he's been dying to buy some other time'.

Sam's expression became murderous as the assistants mouth fell open as she stared at Sam as if picturing him in the famous skimpy white summer dress before she turned and hurriedly led Cas away.

'I suppose you think that was very funny' Sam growled.

'Yeah I do' Dean laughed.

'Well trust me Dean _you're not going to think that for long'._

'Ooh Sammy I get all tingly when you threaten to spank me like that'.

Sam glared at Dean but said nothing, there was no dealing with Dean right now, he was literally like a kid in a damn candy store.

Sam sat and watched as the sales assistant paraded Cas past them in numerous outfits, and her and Dean kept up the lie, that Cas simply had to buy whatever purses, shoes, earrings, necklaces and god knows what else the outfit 'came with' because the sales assistant would get into trouble if she broke up a set.

Most of the outfits were reasonable enough, overly sexy yeah, and hardly the jeans and t shirts he was going to get her until they figured out how to change her back, but they were okay he supposed if you liked a woman who was dressed to kill, unfortunately it was too good to last with Dean in charge of things, and the dresses became less and less appropriate as a result of Dean coughing and mumbling '_shorter'_ or '_tighter'_ at the sales assistant while waving a little incentive at her from his wallet.

He was just about to punch Dean in his leering face when Cas came out in a low cut completely backless evening dress, with heels that could be considered lethal weapons, _this had gone far enough_, he got to his feet before the sales assistant could take Cas away to try on the next outfit -which at this rate would have even less material then the number she was currently barley wearing- while Dean actually applauded, _damn jackass_. 'Alright I think that's enough for now, can we just box up everything we've seen so far? We won't be taking the one she's wearing now though'.

'Like hell we won't' Dean snapped. _'You box that up first'._

The sales assistant led Cas away and Sam rounded on Dean, wait… _were Dean's pupils actually dilated? _This was getting ridiculous, 'Dean listen to me, this is pointless okay, like I keep on telling you, Cas only ever wears one thing, we're wasting time and money here, both which could be better spent trying to figure out who did this to Cas, and now we have an entire wardrobe full of ladies clothes and shoes and pursues and the kind of underwear that would make a striper blush all thanks to you Dean. I mean what the hell are we going to do with all this stuff when we change her back?'

Dean was barely listening to him and he gave up electing instead to really look at his brother as it suddenly dawned on him that besides Dean's obvious perverted joy at deciding which panties Cas got to wear, he was actually genuinely _enjoying_ all this, it was more than just him acting like a horny jerk, Dean clearly meant what he had said earlier, he really _did_ think what had happened to Cas was a good thing.

_Just more proof that his idiot brother was crazy._

* * *

'You bring the car around Sam ' Dean threw over his shoulder as they finally left the giant mall, and he cursed under his breath because not only did he currently have both hands weighed down with bags containing all the stuff he had bought at Bobby's request, but also all of Castiel's new stuff since Dean had decided that Cas shouldn't carry anything other than one or two items of the unnecessary amounts of lingerie he had insisted on buying her and he should carry the rest of it; _the jerk, like he was doing a great service when lingerie weighed next to nothing_. He was the one doing all the heavy lifting right now, while Dean carried a few bags on fancy women's underwear in one hand with his other arm plastered around Castiel's shoulders. _He felt like knocking Dean out with the shopping, kicking his ass down the stairs **and leaving him in the mall.**_

'Come on Sam Cas is tired, it's been a rough day for her.'

'I am fine Dean'.

Dean stopped and placed both his hands on Castiel's shoulders staring down into her eyes while Sam huffed and looked skyward 'Cas listen to me' Dean murmured using his -butter wouldn't melt tone- that he liked to use on susceptible females 'you've been through a lot, you need to take it easy until we figure things out, and besides you have to get used to walking in these new shoes, you don't want to try going through this insane maze of a parking lot for another 10 hours do you? Sam's the jerk that chose to park us 25 miles from the entrance so he can just go find the car and bring it here, trust me he's fine with that, it's the least he can do'.

Sam's mouth was compressed in a hard line as tried for patience and failed, he was just about to give into the urge to dump all the shopping on the ground and start strangling Dean when his phone vibrated and he just _knew_ without even looking that it had to be a cranky text message from Bobby wanting to know why it was taking so long to get one Angel who only ever wore one outfit, a damn trench coat, pants, shirt, and tie.

'Come on Sam' dean barked 'get the lead out already'.

_That did it, the sooner he got out of here, and got Cas back to Bobby's **and locked Dean in the damn panic room for good measure** the better._

* * *

Sam had barely pulled the car up when Dean had the passenger door open and started piling shopping into the front seat, 'maybe you better sit up front with me Dean and put the shopping in the back seat with Cas' Sam's hissed his voice low so only Dean could hear 'you know before you get yourself into even more hot water for thinking about nailing her in the back seat again'.

Dean grinned at him as if the situation were funny and whispered back 'you worry too much Sammy' as he finished shoving all the shopping into the car and slid in beside Cas in the back seat practically moulding himself to her side.

Cas was now wearing a knee length black pencil skirt, a red blouse, four inch heels, and holding a sequined black clutch which she hadn't known what to do with until Dean insisted it was now the only way to carry her phone since her outfit no longer had pockets. To make matters worse she also had her lips painted a provocative red thanks to Dean insisting they stop off at a makeup counter on the way out. In short Cas now looked like something out a sexually charged film noir, and she had turned even more heads leaving the mall then she had arriving bare foot in nothing but an oversized trench coat.

Dean was openly learning at Cas again as he began the drive over to Bobby's and Sam wanted nothing more than a cold bear, a hot shower, and to punch his idiot brother **_until he lost some teeth._** Dean had wasted his entire morning with his not so subtle desire-slash-fetish to dress Cas up like a sex doll. Why didn't he get it? Cas was still _Cas_, he/she was still an Angel of the lord, _he couldn't just treat her like a life sized Barbie doll because she was in a different meat suit_.

Sam glanced into the rear view mirror again only to see that Dean was staring at Cas like she was made of chocolate and sighed in exasperation.

**Cold beer, hot shower, punch dean. _In that order._**


End file.
